It was a March weekend right when the world shut down that I binge watched the TV series "Love is Blind" in less than 48 hours. I am not sure if that is a binge record or disgrace, but only God can judge me.
I realized I am Jessica.
I know. I know. Jessica was the 34 year old career woman who "fell in love" with Marc who was significantly younger than her. She could not let go of his age. This is totally something I fixate on in the dating scene. I always joke "If I am feeling vulnerable, I change my settings to 26 years old" and that is a stretch! On the flipside, the age is capped at 40. I never feel "too vulnerable" to make this age range wider.
A little help from a "psychic"
I went to this "psychic" right before the pandemic. I put psychic in quotes because nothing she said resonated with me, and she met with my dad too. He baited her with similar questions about me, and the answers were different. Okay, so I went to her twice #confessions. The first time, she told me I was going to marry late in life (fudge popsicles). Then the second time, she said I was going to meet someone in the next year who was in their mid to late 50's who just lost their wife. The relationship was more for him than me, and God would repay me. With what? A villa in a heaven? Get out of here.
Then I realized I was not Jessica.
Jessica could only connect with Mark when they were in separate rooms. If you watched the series, they lived together and would have a romantic dinner in separate rooms and talk through the wall. This mimicked how they met, getting back to their roots. Dear Future Husband, if I ever do this, you have permission to leave me. She was so obsessed with his age, but never took into account (1) he had his s%&* together (2) family-oriented and (3) wanted to be a better person for her and their life together. After seeing their story unfold, I can confirm I am not Jessica.
I have dated during the Q (quarantine). I appreciated going on social distance walks with people I matched with, BUT, yes there is a big BUT, many of these people did not have their life together, regardless of age. How do you connect with someone who does not know what they want out of life? What path they want to take? And haven't been able to figure that out since graduation.
I realized over the past few relationships, I take on multiple roles instead of just being someone's girlfriend or friend. This is a supporting statement of me not being Jessica. I become the social worker, the therapist, the mom (weird, I know), the uber eats delivery driver, the life coach, and the problem solver. And, I burn out. I loose interest.
The hardest part is these roles are typically not reciprocated. If I am saving space for you to vent and spiral, do you have the mental and emotional space to give me to just vent? Or actively listen? So no, I am not Jessica when you peel back the layers. And if you know me, you know when I drink, I fall asleep. Yes, I am the most fun.